I'm wondering if it's possible to get a decent home or apartment when you live on Social Security disability and have no other income? Or, what programs are available to me?

My situation...many of you are familiar, but I'm posting for those who don't. Also, I want to mention my boyfriend, again, said getting people to help clean this house is "non-negotiable." He just got back from his 10-day Thanksgiving vacation and it did not go well for me.

Saturday, I couldn't get my bedroom door open. I got really panicky, but managed to call my boyfriend who helped calm me and told me to turn the knob and pull, which I already had, but I hadn't turned it enough. He was right that it had latched. It wasn't locked. I guess I pushed it harder than I thought the night before.

I've got OCD, panic disorder, depression, and I'm a hoarder. I'm on meds, as I have been since I was 10 (I'm 49 now). I have a psychiatrist, physician and I've seen a psychologist twice, but then I couldn't get out of bed for most of 11 weeks... I am pretty sure it's the depression. I don't want to come off as not wanting to help myself, but I have kind of put those issues aside (except for the ERP that I do on my own and other techniques I have used for years, but I have minimal success with) because I'm too overwhelmed with my current situation. Also, my psychiatrist says I'm "not ready" for ERP. I *do* want to improve further, but I CANNOT clean the mess I've helped create (my boyfriend also bears some responsibility) because of my OCD. It's ironic, because the mess started because of my OCD and is prevented from me cleaning it because of my OCD. I have contamination OCD, to be more specific, with some other types of OCD to a lesser degree.

I've already had suggestions that won't work for me: gloves and grabbers (they won't protect all of me from the dust and stuff will still touch me), coveralls (won't protect me from the dust that will spread in the air as I take them off), I'm morbidly obese and out of shape, I can't get up by myself if I fall, and "just do it" (I'm too overwhelmed and my OCD is too complicated). I have several cats (usually three indoor, but up to 5 at a time), and they have peed and pooped almost everywhere. I just lost my jacket and bra, plus some shirts because one peed and pooped on them. This situation is not fair to them or me or my boyfriend. We also have a bird who I don't want to lose. I don't want to lose some of the cats, but I want loving homes for all of them, no matter what happens. Problem is, most of them are feral. I love them, but can't afford them, nor am I in shape to properly care for them, and my boyfriend won't. 5 are fixed, one should be soon (but my boyfriend hopes to find a home for her soon--and may have on his vacation, depending on the allergies of family members--and he hopes they'll take care of the spaying, shots, and flea treatments), and the outdoor-only cats are not. He wants to wait until spring to call the lady from animal control. I don't want them to endure another winter outside. In 2014, a month after my mom died, I ended up in the hospital with pneumonia from being out in the cold feeding them, without a coat (I forget why I didn't have one). Fleas are a major problem. All the cats and I have them. I'm miserable, and I have bites all over, especially on my legs, and I know the cats are miserable, too. My boyfriend gets bites, but doesn't complain a lot. I don't know if he's getting as many bites as I do.

I want to hire someone, but I don't have the money, my boyfriend owns the house and they need his permission (which he won't give; just last night, on the phone he said that's "non-negotiable") (because he doesn't want anyone to see the inside of the house--they see the outside is overgrown; he mows the lawn maybe 2 or 3 times a year--and doesn't want the neighbors to see all the trash coming out of the house... Me, I'm over any embarrassment, I just want the house cleaned; I don't care what the neighbors think), and if I could get people to do it when he's not there, he'll be furious and possibly throw me out. I've got nowhere to go. My family is all passed who live in NJ, except for a cousin, and there's some bad blood there. The rest of my family lives in Kentucky and Ohio. My sister is the only one I talk to, and she has interstitial lung disease because the chemo for the best cancer she had destroyed her immune system.

Some people tell me I'm in an abusive situation. He doesn't hit me or call me names (to my face), but he's said some hurtful things, and he's told me he'll use any weakness he can to get back at someone and jokes that all he has to do to me is contaminate my stuff. I've already lost my printer because of one of my cats.

Just so we're clear, I WILL NOT go to a mental hospital/inpatient treatment, for personal reasons, but one I'll tell you is that I go into panic attacks if I'm locked in. I don't just mean a room, but in a hall or building. I just can't be locked in.

I don't mean to sound unwilling to help myself, but these have been suggested, and I can't do them, so I'm just saving time mentioning them.

I don't know if a women's shelter can help me, but I've been thinking of calling one to ask. I can't touch most used things, churches and schools are OCD issues for me (including organizations and groups associated with them). I don't know how I'd live on my own, because I get Social Security disability only. I rely on my boyfriend to pay many bills. I can't live in "affordable housing" and housing for the elderly and disabled. My OCD can't handle it.

The goal was to get my room cleaned so I could use my computer and maybe make some money writing. Then my boyfriend made the goal smaller and smaller. Now it's too get me able to sleep in my whole bed (I can only sleep on one side, not even half the bed, and I can only sleep facing left, because I am more likely to fall off facing right, and falling on the floor would be a major OCD issue. However, his goal is to work in the kitchen Mondays, so he can cook dinner (where cats have peed and pooped) for Christmas. I don't want to ever eat on plates or anything from that kitchen ever again.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. Sorry so long. I probably left out stuff but I don't know what right now. I have pictures, but I hesitate to show them. I really can't handle more "tough love." I want to live in a really clean, nice place.