Wildflowerchild, I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through an incredibly tough experience.

The mercurial nature of bipolar disorder is absolutely discombobulating. Up until a couple of years ago, I'd always analyze and over examine as many events as I could remember prior to the occurrence of a depressive episode(strange that I never or rather don't recall doing that for hypomanic episodes). But, in 2015 I had a manager who'd somehow found out about my illness. One day he was talking to me about his own experience; he confided in me that he too had bipolar disorder. He told me how for the longest time he'd self-induce or exacerbate anxiety which would feed his depression when he'd try to determine what trigger brought about a depressive episode. Then, one day he realized that it was typically totally out of his control.

I recognize that there may be a triggering event or events that result in a depressive episode. For me, most of the time it's stress. But some times it's random and out of the blue. For example, the start of a three year bout with severe depression began in the summer following my most successful academic semester. I had no reason to be depressed. But, I found myself barely holding on for three years.

All that being said, I think there are events that we are cognizant of and there are events that only our unconscious is "aware" of. And that background biochemical response to either internal or external stimuli can result in a depressive episode.

All we can do is rage against the dying of the light.