I'm not sure if there's a better thread to put this in but anyways here goes:

In early October, my dad was diagnosed with inoperable late stage esophageal cancer. He opted to get a stent put in to help him eat but other than that, he has opted to not try chemo. At first I thought chemo was worth a try, but multiple doctors told him it wouldn't enhance his quality of life or greatly extend it. He is pretty weak to begin with, so chemo would probably kill him faster. He is in constant pain, usually back pain which is a side effect of the cancer. He can't sit or lay down normally for long periods of time. He doesn't sleep too much (he never has but this has made it worse). He has been eating a lot with the stent and gaining weight so that's a plus but he's still very skinny. The doctors estimated back in October that he probably only had a few months to live. I read on other sites that with a stent people can live up to a year. There are miracle cases supposedly where someone with late stage esophageal cancer can live up to 5 years but that is highly doubtful in this case.

My dad is only 63 years old. He has always been a strong, active person--- he worked right up until diagnosis. He still likes to fix things around the house when he is feeling okay. I come from a loving, supportive, VERY close household--- five of us live in the house including my parents and my 2 younger siblings. I have an older brother also who does not live in the house anymore. We have always been there for each other; we always go on vacation together in the summer. We see each other every day. My dad is always there for me, always helping me with stuff, whether it be my finances or helping fix things on my car. Knowing now that he is not going to be with us much longer is killing me. I try to put on a brave front around him because he is very stoic, and he prefers to see us carrying on with our usual routines as opposed to moping around the house. My siblings and my mom have been taking it much better than me at least externally. I've always worried about the future, but now I'm worried about it to the extreme.

I don't know how he is able to stay so emotionally strong knowing what is going to happen to him. Any thoughts on that? My family is very religious, my mom more-so than my dad, so perhaps God is preparing him for what is ahead. I am struggling with my faith currently but I still want to believe. I've always been an avid churchgoer and believer. My faith helped me to get over the deaths of 3 of my grandparents but they were much older than my dad. My dad's mom is actually still alive at close to 95 and she just found out about my dad's illness and is obviously heartbroken. This is the first real tragedy that my immediate family has ever dealt with.

I am not able to focus on anything but the inevitable. I'm a PhD student in English and I should be working on my dissertation but I have absolutely no creative energy. I've written about 12 out of 200 pages. What sucks is that my dad has always been my biggest believer, and he wants me to finish this program at all costs but I simply don't know if I have it in me--- at least right now I don't. I was able to sleep normally up until a few days ago but the past couple of nights have been very rough. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and was paralyzed with fear and couldn't fall asleep. Every night I go to bed I wonder if I will be waking up to the news I'm dreading.

My girlfriend has been amazingly supportive of me throughout this whole process, which is an immense comfort but as anyone knows who has been through a loss like this, my mind is crippled with fear, sadness and anger 24/7. I feel like this will haunt me for the rest of my life, and I'm only 26.

I would appreciate any advice I can get- has anyone ever been through something like this or know someone who has? Is there any way to stop the constant negative thinking 24/7? I feel so bad for him and I wish I could take away his pain but I know all's I can do is be there for him like he always has been for me. I feel guilty even complaining about my mental struggles with all he has to endure- in some ways, I feel like I'm taking it worse than he is emotionally but I know everyone processes this stuff differently. I feel guilty wondering if I will ever be able to resume a "normal" life. I feel completely, 100 percent empty.

Thank you in advance for any advice!

- Pat