Yes, have someone you trust edit it. Be sure to leave all emotion out of the correspondence. keep it concise and to the facts. Make suggestions but for every one of these make sure you provide example or follow up. For every policy or point you refute back this up by example.

Best format would be to;

- Introductory paragraph (introduce yourself and reason for the correspondence).
- paragraph briefly detailing the situation
- individual paragraphs for each point you wish to make
- concluding remarks

Remember, be professional and not emotional. Say for instance you were drawing up the policy, how would you describe the policy and details? This should be the tone of the letter. And try to avoid "I" phrases unless they are followed up with recommendations that affect all. Stick to phrases like, "It should be noted that....", "As a result.....", "Hence....", "It is anticipated that...", "_____________ occurred, resulting in....', "It is thus difficult then to.........', etc.

Best of luck, you can do this.