Sorry to take so long responding...I've got two hands to type with now. You shouldn't feel conquered - we're seldom really conquered. To me, it sounds like you know the nature of alcoholism, so you're not trying to kid yourself anymore. Funny you should mention doing something to myself while drinking. I tried to O.D. once while thoroughly trashed, & very nearly succeeded. I don't want to focus on the O.D., but the "ironic screw" isn't lost on me. Fact is, however, when the time came I just became so aware of the size of my problem & knew I was making pretty deadly choices. There is a good choice, toomixedup! You're on the way to understanding all the ways alcohol affects your life. That's the key to putting the "plug in the jug." Your family needs you. Keep working on it...