Ziggy,

I read your post a few times, taking it all in. It really feels to me like you are too overwhelmed with where you are, tied to a mother who does nothing for you other than remind you of an abusive past and keep it going in the present. I think you need to take three steps.

One, I think you first need to make a specific decision that you are going to take your life back and establish independence for yourself, away from those who hurt you. Until you do that, you cannot begin to fill your life with the healthy relationships you deserve. You need to make the space.

Two, after you make the decision to take back your life, I think you need to set a deadline for yourself, a realistic date by which you will be away from your mother, living your own life. Write it down and resolve not to move that date.

Three, make a list of each main thing you need to do to get yourself away. Then start moving through that list towards your deadline date.

And one last thing, I think you should pick out your own church, one your mom doesn't go to. You deserve to build a life for yourself in a spiritual community that isn't infected by the mother who has been part of your abuse, past and present. You don't have to go with your mother. This can be an important step towards building a life for yourself in your own community.

Hope this helps.

be well,

mtd