I don't know what to do and I need to get this off my chest before I explode.

I am messed up and I think I am too late to fix things.

I am a liar, I have been compulsively lying for a long time, since I was a kid. I had abusive parents and their violent and aggressive natures were difficult to grow up with, and for me it's where the lying began - to avoid confronting them, to avoid being yelled at/hit/berated/attacked.

My father died from suicide long after their divorce, and it left a mark on my whole family, everyone has become distant or angry or, like me, depressed and unable to deal with things when confronted.

It took me time and a lot of therapy to see where that came from, but now this behavior as infected my adult life and is destroying it. I survived being in a home of toxicity, but now I have brought it with me and I feel I am the one making toxicity for those I love and I cannot express the self-hatred I have.

I have been with a girl I love for several years, and she has lost a lot of respect and trust in me because of my compulses. I kissed a mutual friend of ours years ago and hid it from her until she found out nine months later, causing us to have a huge explosion that involved friends, co-workers and our jobs. I made a huge mistake there and coupled with the lie it made it exponentially worse. Since then I have been struggling to earn love and trust back, but I am so afraid still, afraid of the attacks and hate that a blurb of a lie will slip put faster than I can think and the next thing I know I'm back-pedaling and it's too late; all the work on control and confidence in honesty is gone.

Now we are unhappy, she is miserable with me, and if we didn't own a business together she'd never want to see me again. I have been told a myriad of venomous things about myself and my lies and I wish I could take them all back. I have a monstrous hate for myself and for letting this get so out of hand that its not only ruining my life, but hers too. What stings particularly is the realization that I am being called out for behaving like my mother, and I am disgusted,=.

I am lost. I feel alone, I don't know what to do our how to stop the self-loathing voices and the shaking....I am so afraid and I feel I have no one to talk to.

please.