I think part of what's bothering me from the session yesterday is MC's comment about how H and I are going to annoy each other, for 20, 30, 40 more years. And all I could think is what a horribly long time that sounded like (We'll be married for 10 years in April). Like, will it be going on like this for that long?

And I asked H in session about something T had mentioned, regarding H's reaction to us having an argument. I was downstairs crying (H didn't know that I was still upset), and he went right up to his office and was watching TV and laughing and stuff. Like nothing had happened. T said that suggests that either he tends to think arguments aren't a big deal and knows it will just blow over. That's the better option. Or it could be that H has seen me get upset so many times, it's like he just doesn't react to it anymore. When I asked in session, H said there was some element of the second one in there, that I'm anxious and things so much that it's just...I forget what exactly he said. He certainly implied that he didn't feel much in reaction to them anymore. And he was talking about my having random panic attacks while eating dinner, which are pretty rare for me lately, but he implied I'm still having them frequently. I said how it felt like he didn't see that I was trying, that I was doing better, that he pictured me exactly the same as I was 10 years ago.

MC just seemed focused on me changing my reaction to H, rather than H doing anything differently. Like I shouldn't do the dishes because I'm worried H will be mad if I don't, just do them because I want to (hahaha). Or don't do them, but don't worry about him being mad. And other stuff. Like I just have to change all of my ingrained thought patterns and reactions (which I am working on with T!), while H just carries on exactly as he's been doing.

I did e-mail MC about that, but who knows if he'll respond or if so, if he'll just be defensive. Sorry, I'll stop rambling now.