I was shaking and shaking, now I am just numb. I don't expect anyone to read this all, but if you can skim it....

I just found out that someone that I was in a relationship with just died. Well, the in the last several months of his life, we were no longer in a serious relationship, but we still were intimate physically and emotionally and casually dated until the end. Well, technically in the past month, we had not gone on dates, only because he was in a financial crisis and had literally not a penny to his name nor a job/ran out of unemployment.

I had a bad feeling about him and just googled his name, since I have not heard from him since the beginning of August. Well, my intuition was right, because his Obituary just popped up. I just found this out literally an hour ago. I knew at the very end, he was struggling with alcohol dependence. He was also doing Xanax when he would get pills to self-medicate. Also, he was severely depressed, to the point where he felt that he was a monster and that his 8 year-old daughter no longer loved him, when she loved him very much. I continued to tell him that. He had suffered a very nasty separation and divorce. We had met just when he first separated nearly 2 years ago. I watched him self-destruct before my very eyes.

Over the course of the time I knew him, he said that the only people he cared about and who cared about him was his daughter and myself. He said this repeatedly.



Our last meeting and interaction was about 2.5 or 3 weeks prior to his death.
I did not show any anger towards him, but I had given him money, since he was desperate and asked. I am beyond devastated. I admit he had some narcissistic patterns, so at the very end, I was angered that I had not heard from him and thought he had taken my kindness for granted. I admit I had been angry about not hearing from him for a few months, when he was dead the whole time. I thought he had taken advantage of me. Now that I found out he has been dead these past few months, it totally changes my perspective. I know he cared about me now and that it was odd not to hear from him for 3 months. I wish I could have held him for the last time. I admit the very last time I talked to him, I tried to give him a little "push" in the right direction for a change, but in a sensitive way.

I am very upset his family never got in touch with me. I wonder if a certain text message made them wonder if I was responsible in some way, since I was drinking more during that time too, like as if I enabled him. We had co-dependent patterns, and I do feel guilty in that regard. I really wanted to be there at the funeral and want to know exactly what happened!!!!! I feel so left out and unimportant.
This is so horrible. I am supposed to be up early for work and don't know if I should call out. I can really use support, I am a wreck.