Still struggling with this therapist. I can't even stand going to see her. It's such a mix of things. There is just something fundamentally wrong with her that I do not like, along with a list of things I can name that I do not like about her. It's like we are soda and pop rocks. Dancing around each other cause we know what'll happen when we clash, yet wanting it to happen.

Answering her work and cell phone in session, talking over me, not listening to me, being rude to me at times, giving me bad advice, talking about herself--which is ironic cause usually i like to know about my T but this one I could not give a damn about--going through paper work while i'm there and the general way she talks to me. When I try to tell her whats going on she gives me the basic generic advice I could find under a snapple cap, with a bunch of the positive sunshine bs on top of it all. It's like she's not listening or caring at all.

What is worse is there times she doesn't believe me because I'm not acting like what I'm saying. I have a very hard time expressing emotion to anyone cause I do not like to be vulnerable, so I shut down when I have to be with people. Even her. So when she asks how my week is I am honest and I tell her I was depressed this ad this day, I cried randomly this day, I feel hopeless. But it's all with a very flat affect and no emotion. I can see why it would be difficult for her. Yet the way she speaks, and what she says makes it obvious she doesn't believe what I'm saying.

Like sorry I'm not having a nervous breakdown in front of you of all people, but I don't even know if I like you as a person let alone as a therapist. So why would I be open and vulnerable with you?

The problem is that no matter what I say, it goes in one ear out the other. And if I try to force myself to show the emotion it just won't come. I was thinking of a transfer then I remember it took them almost 2 months to transfer me to her, when my other T quit. And that was an involuntary transfer, one that couldn't be avoided. I can't imagine to think how long i'd have to go with no one to speak to for a voluntary one.

And the last few days have been hard, and I've been wanting to self harm so much, especially tonight. And I can't help but think at least then I'll have something to show her so she can see I'm not lying.

You honestly could chart all my therapists by their IQ's. First was T1 she'd be high up, then the next one further down and then this one bottom rung of the evolutionary intelligence ladder. A perfect \ graph