* Maybe trigger

In therapy today we discussed the fact that I always wait until an episode is pretty much over or out of control to get help. Does anyone else have this problem? I just don't want to appear needy, you know? It sounds so stereotypical to be constantly bugging them. So I try to solve the problem on my own. My husband sometimes has to rationalize with me because I'm like, "I know what they are going to say, I know what they are going to tell me to do, I just have to figure out a way to do it." Its not super healthy I guess. We also discussed how I don't usually reach out to friends and family and prefer to keep a distance as to not upset them when I have an episode and can't contact them as often. In addition, I let people that don't know me assume I'm incompetent as opposed to sick as its just more simplistic. I'd rather people think I'm stupid or flakey than have them know I can't focus because I'm bouncing off the way or change my mind about things at the last minute or feel so depressed I can barely make it through the day. Do you let people assume you are dumb? I think its much easier, though it doesn't really lead to close relationships. I just am constantly lying, how could I be honest you know. I feel like I'm putting on an act constantly. Keep smiling, even when I'm eyeing a bottle of bleach on a shelf trying not to listen to commands. Contain your urge to sing and bob to the music playing in the background. Don't think about the fact that you were talking to objects last night. Contain, compartmentalize, keep swimming, breathe. Someone asks about your day, don't tell them your absolutely insane. Try not to slam doors and get irritated at co-workers... think normal, act normal, keep composure. It gets tiring but what can you do, just talk yourself into normalcy until you get home and hell breaks loose.

Last night, I slept for four hours but i woke up twice so.. does it count?
Therapist says she thinks this is the beginning. The waves of euphoria are just a preview to the big show. Increase your dosage of your AP so that you sleep. I feel fine, I don't especially want to sleep tonight. I wonder if I'll even be tired by then. I feel just fine right now, alert and awake. I want to play not do school work. Ahhh but I have to... the struggle. Can I just go drinking? No, Responsibilities call.... ugh

My therapist thinks I have type 1 but it hasn't been officially noted. Currently, BP2 with psychotic features is the DX. I wonder if they changed it but just didn't tell me. Ehh.. I'm procrastinating.