I haven't written in a long time and I'm trying to learn to focus and get better. I have had one really crappy year. I've made the mistake of letting toxic people back in my life because I felt bad about kicking them out. I never get to see my son anymore or talk to him because I have been avoiding everything including all my legal issues. I want to get better but I wasn't able to focus worth crap. They put me on Ritalin and now I can focus, woohoo. However, I'm focusing on anything I can that will allow me to ignore my bad or good feelings. I'm worried that I am just avoiding the inevitable and one day, probably soon, I will break down. I'm trying to change my life; quitting smoking, cutting back caffeine, being more active, ect.. But I'm scared this little bit of clarity is going to bite me hard in the *** when I eventually have to handle my depression and anxiety. I keep trying to find a way to get better, to heal but no one can tell me how to because "everyone is different". I know it's petty but I just want an answer. Going through that kind of pain doesn't seem like it will help. I break down because of my son, because of my guilt. But how am I supposed to accept something that I can't fix right now. That will likely take years to fix? Working towards a goal is when I'm doing but I don't feel better and telling myself it will get better doesn't seem to be helping. How does someone who has done so many stupid things get better?
I'm sorry I sound selfish and not thankful to you all. I'm sorry I've been absent because I'm scared of hearing others opinions. I don't know what to do and I hope maybe someday I can listen to myself. Giving advise to others is easy, I can usually help but everything that applies to all of you, seems to be imaginary to me. I'm sorry.