That sounds very painful. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. It's hard to face the mess this disorder makes for us. It's harder yet to do something about it. At least your admitting there's a problem you know, not denying it's there. It's scary to push yourself though I get it. On a smaller scale my husband (who has anxiety issues) told me about something that sometimes works when he's trying to make a responsible choice while facing fear. Imagine standing from a cliff with a rope swing into the water. You're scared of heights so you are terrified but everyone is jumping in, all safe and sound. Close your eyes, feel the sensation of the rope, empty your mind and jump. The longer you hesitate the longer you will have to convince yourself not to do it. Jump, into better choices.

In addition, take baby steps. You don't have to do it all in one day. Make manageable goals for each day, one building off of the other. Take it slow, pace yourself.

When it comes to dealing with emotions of traumatic events, exposure has always helped me. You talk about it write about it yell about it cry about it and eventually it loses the weight that it once had over you.

Don't worry about others. You aren't feeling well, just work on getting yourself on steady feet. I'm sure everyone understands here, out of everyone in the world.