I am really not sure where to put this, there doesn't seem to be a good place for it so I hope this is okay.

20 months ago and for about 6 years before that I had to donate plasma to survive, I could just barely get by but I also needed to juggle maxed out credit cards when bigger issues came up. I was on a financial tight wire and frankly if my 'good' luck hadn't happened 20 months ago I would be homeless and bankrupt by now. So I feel bad asking this but it is bringing up new things that trigger my old crap and is hard to deal with.

I say 'good' because it only came about because my mental health severely deteriorated.

I am now in a position that I can buy a very modest home in an area with a very reasonable real estate market. This is freaking me out. I feel unworthy, which I am of course. It is the smart thing to do since rents are increasing really fast so my fixed income actually shrinks every year. COLA's simply don't keep up. Plus, owning a home is a good investment and my mortgage payment will likely be less than my rent even though the house will be significantly nicer. I even get my property taxes waived so I don't really have to worry about any significant increasing costs, even electricity to dirt-cheap here. I am looking at building a house that comes with warranties and other assurances. It is the wise move all around.

I am cycling through many emotions from fear to absolute terror. To give a little idea about it, I have never been excited about buying a car even though I knew it was going to be easy to pay off. I dislike any kind of debt, even the good debt of a home loan. Doesn't make sense since I will have more extra money with lower monthly payments.

I have been talking with an agent for two weeks over email and am meeting her tomorrow which is absolutely terrifying. I am the type to use self-checkout so I don't have to talk to anyone. She seems quite nice and has closed a lot of VA loans so is used to dealing with us whiny, stubborn and issue-filled vets. She is even kind enough to share 20% of her commission with me, which is amazing to me. The idea of meeting her is terrifying. I understand completely it is a business thing but women usually look at me and run away. Talking to strangers is not exactly my forte, especially women.

I have never gone through this process but am reading up as much as I can, but it is still confusing. It feels like I am entering a pitch black tunnel with lots of traps. Maybe it would be easier if I had a spouse to lean on.

I don't want to lay all my crazy on whoever reads this but I am even stressed and upset about the idea of having a neighbor or two that like to be overly social - defined as more than a 'hello' once a month. I live in a complex and have lived next to for at least 5 years and I don't even know their names and I doubt I have spoken a complete sentence to them ever. I really like that.

So I have my usual self-loathing, actually seething hatred and unbreakable belief that I deserve nothing good, to deal with but there is even a little excitement, fear, social anxiety and whatever else involved with all which is new also.

I don't know if I have an exact question but if you can relate and give any advice it would be appreciated. I know some may want to ask how someone like me could be well enough to sign mortgage papers. I don't know how but I guess I am.