i went through this phase when i was about 16 of thinking that i was gay. and i used to hang out at this gay bar with my best friend (a guy) who was gay. they knew we were underage but they let us in because there wasn't really a gay scene in the town i grew up and the bar was the only place for guys to meet in particular.

i didn't have such a hard time in thinking i was gay - because of my best friend, i guess. but i do remember going through a bit of a weird time with respect to gender identity. i know this is stereotyping... but it seemed to me that some lesbians were 'butch' and some were 'fem' and i was determined i was not going to be butch. that was really important to me. in terms of my gender identity. i appreciate that there are many more shades in-between now. but it is hard to figure me, where i lye, where i would like to lye...

my ideal of feminine beauty always has been a little different from most. i'm thinking carrie anne moss from the matrix or the female lead from 'kill bill' (whatever her name was) - though do worry about those sorts of characterizations being tied up with violence... or avril lavine (however you spell that) in jeans and skate shoes. or alanis morrissette in jeans... there is something attractive about the tortured female... though... i don't want to play the victim either... but strength. sexy in an almost androgynous way... does this make any kind of sense?

i don't want to look like / be treated like a high class hooker. i don't want strangers to sexually appraise me. i want people to go by what i say - to take me seriously as a person - rather than talk to me or like me on the basis of my physical / bodily appearance. i don't want to look like a sweet and innocent little doll. i guess i would like it if people thought i was attractive in an 'average and kinda nice once you know her' kind of way. i just want... physical, bodily presence... to be something that i choose to show to people i really care about and not anybody else. i feel naked wearing shorts (showing my legs). i feel naked in t-shirts - but what am i gonna do in the summer heat? i almost wish i could convert to islam for the clothing style... i don't mind my bf seeing me running around in my undies and bra - but that people wear bikini's in public? put some %#@&#! clothes on people.

i'm not athletic at all, so makes it a bit hard to muster lol. jeans and t-shirts are my trade mark. i think part of it is about being inconspicuous. but then jeans and a t-shirt simply isn't inconspicuous at cocktail parties. i don't want to wear a dress / skirt. i don't know what is to be done... i think part of it is about my not really having the money to get stuff i'd like to get. i would like to dress up in nicer clothes, i guess. it is just that buying them isn't really on my list of priorities. and about my really hating walking around the shops just looking so i don't really know what is out there in order to find stuff in the sales... i don't know. maybe it just isn't that important to me. but if it isn't that important to me why does it bug me (at times) so much?

sigh.

sometimes... i really do feel that i'm turning into a guy, though. i don't get the impression that i really will turn into a guy... but i feel like i have characteristics of both. like a really very masculine female. like i'm going to grow a beard. like my genitils are going to start deforming and distending... something that i struggle with a lot in terms of my self identity (because i really don't want for me to be that way). i just... have a lot of sympathy for people who struggle with stuff like this... i guess i'm alright really. just gets to me at times... gets to me at times... just an off the hand comment someone made (thought i was out of ear shot) - months ago now - about me being like a man... i guess i'd been bustin his balls about something or other and he does worry about his own gender identity at times... sigh... what are ya gonna do...