I feel very down right now. LOW! Tried again to meditate but my whole body feels like I'm excessively on edge of severe anger and severe depression at once. I keep having to stop myself from grinding my teeth. I close my eyes and they won't stay shut long enough for one breath. I'm very anti-violence but feel like punching someone. I'm not even angry at any one thing or person. I'm grateful I'm not driving right now or it could go badly. My brakes are not that great and I can be overly aggressive at the wheel when I'm like this. My stomach hurts from all the what I can only guess is bile in my mouth. I told a friend last night about my ex and her behaviours and that damage, and that the relationship with her is resultant of the emotional neglect from my childhood. I feel like a chained mad dog. I just want something or someone to bite.
I'm having flashbacks for 2 hours, which make me cry and mad as hell at myself for caring and carrying the results of that around. Going to take another 5-htp and a very hot shower. I will try kava extract next and if that's not going to do it then I'll take hirsuta and it will knock me out for a while. So I have a plan if needed, but I've locked myself in the bathroom for over an hour now just to be left alone