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I know there are people here that live all by themselves. You’ll maybe find this post to be a bit pathetic, but I can’t help it. It’s been at least 10 years since I’ve had to spend more than one night alone at home at night. Though I am on disability and home mostly alone during the daytime (although with my parrot), my husband always comes home after work or the occasional dinner out with buddies, and is with me most all weekends. He used to travel for business, but after my illness grew particularly bad, they stopped sending him on trips.
During the past decade my husband and I traveled together for trips, but this coming week plus he will go to Europe alone. He didn’t want to go at all, but I practically forced him. He has an important project to do and he was procrastinating terribly, on the verge of getting into trouble. Some of it has to be done in Europe. I cannot help since I don’t speak Czech. We didn’t have the money for me to go anyway, plus I didn’t want to go. I’ve been to Czech Republic many times, and would hate to play tourist yet again, on my own.
I am fairly stable right now, but feeling a little strange. I'm not exactly anxious at the moment, though I was (about his trip) a couple of weeks ago. I've been agitated at times this week, but it comes and goes. Ativan has helped, luckily. I'm trying to be strong, especially not to worry hubby. He's extremely nervous as it is. Right now more than me. It could change, but I'm telling myself that there's no good in that.
Hubby will see family and friends and be busy with a project. I'm happy that his/our nephew will join him for one part of the project. As for me, I deliberately planned some visits and activities. I just have to follow through with them. My fear is that I won’t and I’ll be in bed all day and night growing depressed. I don’t have a great support system beyond my psychiatrist and therapist. Though I do plan to see family, I lost all of my friends to bipolar so I don’t have those connections. There are some online friends, but they are not that close.
Hubby and I will touch base at least once per day. I hope that looking forward to that will help, and will motivate me to do the activities I planned. I made sure to have a psychiatrist and therapist appointment in his absence…just in case. Plus, I look forward to seeing them.
You may be wondering how old I am. I’m 46. Believe me when I say being alone all night was easier when I was in my 20s. Perhaps this “test” scares me so much because horrible thoughts of a future alone haunt me. I get worried that something will happen to my husband. I also worry that he will die before me. He’s almost 13 years older than me. It’s certainly a possibility. I’ve grown so dependent on him because of my illness. I worry that if he ever dies before me, that I’ll die, too. Does anyone else feel like that about their spouse/partner?
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