Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdDancer
I know there are people here that live all by themselves. You’ll maybe find this post to be a bit pathetic, but I can’t help it. It’s been at least 10 years since I’ve had to spend more than one night alone at home at night. Though I am on disability and home mostly alone during the daytime (although with my parrot), my husband always comes home after work or the occasional dinner out with buddies, and is with me most all weekends. He used to travel for business, but after my illness grew particularly bad, they stopped sending him on trips.
During the past decade my husband and I traveled together for trips, but this coming week plus he will go to Europe alone. He didn’t want to go at all, but I practically forced him. He has an important project to do and he was procrastinating terribly, on the verge of getting into trouble. Some of it has to be done in Europe. I cannot help since I don’t speak Czech. We didn’t have the money for me to go anyway, plus I didn’t want to go. I’ve been to Czech Republic many times, and would hate to play tourist yet again, on my own.
I am fairly stable right now, but feeling a little strange. I'm not exactly anxious at the moment, though I was (about his trip) a couple of weeks ago. I've been agitated at times this week, but it comes and goes. Ativan has helped, luckily. I'm trying to be strong, especially not to worry hubby. He's extremely nervous as it is. Right now more than me. It could change, but I'm telling myself that there's no good in that.
Hubby will see family and friends and be busy with a project. I'm happy that his/our nephew will join him for one part of the project. As for me, I deliberately planned some visits and activities. I just have to follow through with them. My fear is that I won’t and I’ll be in bed all day and night growing depressed. I don’t have a great support system beyond my psychiatrist and therapist. Though I do plan to see family, I lost all of my friends to bipolar so I don’t have those connections. There are some online friends, but they are not that close.
Hubby and I will touch base at least once per day. I hope that looking forward to that will help, and will motivate me to do the activities I planned. I made sure to have a psychiatrist and therapist appointment in his absence…just in case. Plus, I look forward to seeing them.
You may be wondering how old I am. I’m 46. Believe me when I say being alone all night was easier when I was in my 20s. Perhaps this “test” scares me so much because horrible thoughts of a future alone haunt me. I get worried that something will happen to my husband. I also worry that he will die before me. He’s almost 13 years older than me. It’s certainly a possibility. I’ve grown so dependent on him because of my illness. I worry that if he ever dies before me, that I’ll die, too. Does anyone else feel like that about their spouse/partner?
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Yes I can relate to that feeling. I've been with my husband since I was in high school, almost 9 years and married for almost 4 years. He's been my rock through most of my illness. I never want to be away from him and we are the best of friends. We like to do everything together. He once went away for a week for a work thing and it was really lonely. I too have lost many friends to my illness. I mostly threw myself into my work, but I think I can see how it would be difficult if you didn't have work to keep you occupied. Maybe volunteering would give the same effect. Usually its scheduled and you have an obligation to go so its a bit easier to not bail out on it. Maybe taking care of friends kids or something might help too, they are usually a nice distraction. You can channel your creativity, come up with projects for them. There's also the planned distractions for it you do stay home, make yourself a routine. Movie, book, music, sleep is a pleasant one for me in the evening when its the hardest to be alone.
I always tell my husband he is not allowed to die before me. I still don't know how I would do it without him but he said that he would want me to continue on. I don't think anyone can prepare themselves for a devastating loss. The best thing you could probably do is set up better support systems if you are really concerned. I know you have said that your friends have left but maybe a bipolar support group would help, they all would understand and you could probably communicate by text or email if you had severe symptoms. I went to one once and it was such a great feeling. Also, having things that give you meaning are important.
I struggle to help because I face the exact fear but hopefully you feel less alone in the anxiety.