I am angry. I'm not certain if there is any one thing I am angry about but I believe it is probably many things.

I am currently trying to figure out how much money to draw out of my 401K just so my family can get by for the next several months. Yes, I will be penalized and taxed beyond belief and the odds of me ever replacing any retirement money are pretty much zero. We are out of health insurance, both vehicles need work done to them, we're behind 5 months on rent, and I am currently unemployed. My wife works full-time with no insurance available and does not make much money. I am still drawing unemployment compensation but that is going to run out soon. We have a 2 year old daughter who is wonderful, except now it seems my mental health issues are beginning to affect her as well and she certainly doesn't deserve that.

People wonder why anyone would take his own life. One of my best friends killed himself in January of 2001 and it still hurts. But at least I can understand why he did it, which is more than most people can say. He couldn't stand the pain anymore. I have been down some awful roads in my life and I have managed to survive somehow. but always managed to stop myself.

This time it is different. The pain is there of course, the mental anguish those who are cursed with MI understand so well. But now I'm feeling a numbness, a worthlessness I didn't even know was possible. I'm not sure why I'm typing this except I don't really have anyone else to open up to. Something in me knows I want to live or I would already be gone. Something inside is telling me to reach out to anyone I can, and today that is you.

Perhaps I'll have to drive myself to the hospital and hope they take an uninsured patient, I don't know. But something has got to give.