I think I know what is wrong with me...my adoptive parents in my eyes were very knowledgable...they being cerebal narcissists delighted in showing off what they knew or think they knew and would judge everyone, and I mean everyone. I would feel confused as a child because people outside of my home would show me kindness but how could they be nice people because my mum had told me they were common, cheap people with no taste etc, etc, this would %#@&#! with my head and still does, I have trouble allowing others to be "average" and to make mistakes. Well on friday I pointed to the photo on T's shelves, a gift from another client yrs ago, of Freuds couch. I mentioned over xmas that i had watched a prog all about freuds couch and we talked about that then T said that artists have done installations using freuds couch, Ok installations??? whats that mean? she tried to explain and said that Sarah Locus had done one using underwear. Ok whose sarah locus? I made out I understood at this point and came home and goggled sarah locus and then felt so suuuuuupid, today evertually without even thinking this was a problem I finally got upset and said that T's life and my life are a 1000 miles apart. I went to an inner city sch were learning was almost non existent and besides I couldnt concentrate at sch. I told T that I didnt have a %#@&#! clue what she was talking about on friday and T said why didnt I say so. I said because the way you talked about it matter of factly made me feel like I maybe should have known her. Then T said,should? Then she said but whats different today that you can tell me? I said coz I guess once I'd found out who you were talking about I realised that I just didnt know and why should I pretend I do. T nodded. I guess this has upset me and brings to the forefront my own shame or feelings of "not good" enought I constantly try to hide. I feel as thick as %#@&#! and envy those that can just talk about things that I don't know about. I didn't realise before how much this does effect me. I want to know stuff, lots of stuff... I guess I'm just gonna have to accept T is who she is and I am who I am.