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size19needles · Dec 02, 2017, 03:28 AM

Triggers. Just triggers all over the place.

I have a love/hate relationship with this process of discovering things that aren’t “normal” ie, abusive or dysfunctional.

Possible trigger:

I didn’t realize until a few years ago that most parents don’t give their children Klonopin to calm them down when they’re upset. Or that most people don’t pass around prescription drugs like candy.

Possible trigger:

I didn’t know that my dad’s “test” of my opiate allergy, by giving me a drink laced with ground-up Oxycodone was straight-up poisoning until I took my EMT class. I actually defended that behavior on another forum years ago and I’m heartbroken reading back through my posts.

Most kids know their own hair color. Me? I thought it was dark, dark brown. Why? Because my mom gaslit me into believing it was. “It’s so dark brown it looks black.” Thought that until I was 14 and a kid in my computer class said “When colors are so dark they look black...they’re just black.”

No, Dad, it wasn’t good that I weighed 200lbs before I hit 6th grade. Yes, it is your fault. Why? Because you made me also think it was normal to eat two bowls of cereal after a full dinner of pork chops, mashed potatoes, and green beans. Don’t forget the before bed two bowls of ice cream and a slice of pie.

Possible trigger:

I thought that everyone got screamed at and hit when they didn’t do their homework. And that I deserved it when my dad would throw me into the wall and hold me by the neck.

I honestly thought it was possible to make your parents depressed when I was a kid. That it was my fault they had to be on opiates, and Prozac, and that they fought all the time. It’s only now that I’m much older and working with kids myself I realize how tragic that line of thinking is. I wasn’t responsible for their happiness, no kid should ever feel that way.

Possible trigger:

Didn’t know that it wasn’t normal for parents to talk extensively about their sex lives with their children. I didn’t mind it at the time, but looking back there’s so much I wish I didn’t know. I know the date of my conception, in what room, on what mattress my dad still owns.

I honestly don’t know what I want out of posting this. Commiseration, probably. I’m still new to this forum, and I just kind of wanted to take a minute to get that out of my head. Anyone else just find things like that?