I have decided to return to therapy despite this current rupture with T.

I am scared.

I called him this morning. When the phone rang he picked up and said he was just about to call me. I said that I figured out that the only way to sort this out was together. And he said, "exactly."

I had conversations with several of you over the past few days about my reactions and many of you encouraged me to not run away. But I never felt like I was running away--just regrouping or protecting myself. It really felt like I was protecting myself. Now I understand that on the continuum of trauma response I was enacting the "freeze" response. (You know, "fight, flight or freeze.") So if I were running away I would have been in the flight response. Me, I tend to turn to stone.

"Freeze" was the way i most often responded to my abuse as a child because the other two responses were not available to such a young child. Ohhhh that makes me sad but I am now relieved that I can understand my response to the re-enactment. Hopefully T and I can work through this rupture.

Damn! Therapy is beyond hard and I am an emotional basket case right now.


PS I hope Pinksoil has not been put in timeout for cursing. I really don't mind if she curses in response to my posts because she has such great insight. Also, the curses don't show up as curses--only as random symbols that are impossible to decipher!