I'm tired of being terrified that people are going to figure me out or that I'm going to accidentally out myself. I'm tired of my sexual experiences not fully matching my orientation. I feel like I'm starving.

I have the most hated orientation though so I have no idea to whom it would be safe to be out. I feel like I would be taken as a fraud as I am in a long-term heterosexual relationship so that would erase people's ability to believe I'm anything BUT straight. I just never had great opportunities with the same-sex and yes, I like the heterosexual privilege. I know that makes me awful. But because of the background I came from, I would be much safer if I could pretend to be straight.

And that leaves me with little to no community as I'm not straight and I'm not going to be accepted by the lesbian/gay community because of the sex of my partner.

I'd love to be out so I could be myself and maybe even make friends. Or have my sexual experience match my orientation. But I'm not sure if that's too much to ask? How would one come out if they won't be believed or they will be hated? Do I just continue to keep it to myself and try to find a way to make friends when I can't really be myself and always have to be on guard to always appear straight?

I do have to mention that I came out to a best friend (of about a decade) a few years ago. We're not friends anymore because of her comments that it's fine as long as I never act on it. Well, I never did, but I feel awful and incomplete. I hope she's happy because I'm not.