A certain band comes on and a certain setlist of songs, and it sets me off.

It's very tied to abuse I suffered as a child. Once that music played, I knew that violence would soon follow.

I love this music because I relate to it. I listen to it on purpose, sometimes. It forces me to remember and forces me into this hypervigilance/ready for a fight state. It does it in a way that does have therapeutic value.

Unfortunately, it also sets me off on a very angry and argumentative mindset. It's easier to be angry for me, though. I'd rather be angry than scared or so lost in despair I can only see that one certain way out.

I need the anger. I need the trigger. I need the trauma. I need to hurt.

Anyone else understand this?