Thank you Possum220 for offering such kind and encouraging words. You actually help me look at it from a different perspective and I really appreciate that.
And thank you ZopenEyrs. Yes I agree that it is just some kind of mid-life panic thing and menopause isnt helping. It just seems to be such an overpowering self-loathing that is so out of character for me. I had no idea it would be so difficult to “age gracefully”.