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mandyfins said:
I dont' think I'd care to accept that it's OK if my husband had fantasies about his therapist, and openly expressed them to his therapist but not to me, fantasies of a sexual nature with the female therapist-- somehow it diminishes my value as his partner-- don't you think?

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But, in his therapy, he's not going to tell you what's discussed, anymore than you're going to tell him what you talk about in yours? So, you're not going to know what he is fantasizing about and talking to his therapist about and working out.
You are his partner, his therapist is not! A child stating to one's parent, "I wish you were dead!" is just an expression of his anger and inability to express himself any better; he doesn't have the concepts. Mankind (includes women) are built with animal natures; men think about sex X times a minute, you've heard/read about that. It's not "personal" and shouldn't be taken personally. When we're children, little girls fantasize about marrying their father, boys about marrying their mother. "Real" sex and how it's built into us is similar. A man's female therapist, listening to him exclusively, not judging him, taking "care" of him emotionally is much like a mother. It's not a spouse's primary job but we all know that there's a bit of the woman taking care of her husband and the man providing for his wife and children, etc. Those are part of our animal/built-in nature. If your husband were to have had a really good/bad/indifferent mother, he's going to project that onto you but you're not going to be aware of that because you're worrying about you. A therapist is working with the client, with that projection to get it as conscious and understood by both of them as possible. You've almost said that you don't wish for your husband to have sexual feelings for his therapist but they're probably going to happen, and it's good that they happen, and the professional discussion of them will help make his sexual feelings and all his feelings for you less "conflicted" (left over mother problems) so his relationship and communication with you will be better.

My father-in-law took a wrong turn and missed his son, my husband's and my wedding :-) He had my husband's sister-in-law in the car with him and she thought something was wrong but how could she critisize her father-in-law? Especially since she was from out-of-town too and wasn't sure of the directions either. Anyway, they got to the church right when we were coming out :-) My stepmother, had no problems though, getting in his car (they didn't know one another well) and starting to boss him around (welcome to my world father-in-law :-) telling him that she was going to go with him because she didn't want him to get lost again (crime) and she'd make sure he didn't! Well, my father-in-law told me the story and it turns out my stepmother was very much like his mother whom he loathed :-) So, he automatically loathed my stepmother.

Think about the fantasies you've had about your therapist (if you can :-) the ones you've told your therapist and the one's you "can't". They're just thoughts, just fantasies from your unconscious, like dreams. It's helpful to look at them because they give the person to whom they belong information about themselves. But no one else "needs" to hear them and it won't do anyone else good to hear them because they aren't created/produced by the other person. One tells one therapist because it's part of the work the two are doing; it's like having another, impartial person in one's head to help sort what comes up. But a spouse would have the spouse's reactions and feelings about the fantasies and that would only complicate and confuse things, not help straighten them out?