i have my first T appt since I was 17 tomorrow. When I talked to him on the phone and he asked me the reason for it I initially said Battered Woman Syndrome from my ex who now has me going into Hypervigilance and being terrified of everything.

then i started thinking and I think I have many more problems other than just that. When I was 17 I went to a T for an evaluation and they diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder, dysthymia(sp?), ocd, insomnia... several things. but all he did was give me celexa. I had been on effexor, paxil, ativan, welbutrin and none of them did anything. but it seemed like nobody was interested in helping me by talking - they just wanted to pump me full of drugs.

so i think that for the past few years I have had some kind of cover over all my problems. I feel the same now that I did back then but for a long while I felt okay. I dont know if its my mind putting all these thoughts back in my head because I have another T and am ready to face it now? I just feel so down about everything. Feels like everything I do is a mistake and I cant get anything right. I used to take everything in stride and not let things bother me but now everything bothers me. And now that these insecure feelings are coming back its hurting my relationship that Im in right now. Luckily, he is patient and hasn't given up on me yet.

I dont know why Im posting this thread. I guess I just feel like a lot of times I screaming at the top of my lungs but no one is listening. When I make fun of myself people don't see it as a problem, they just laugh. They dont see my defense mechanisms and try to combat them, they just dont get it. My boyfriend has no idea what to do and Im afraid that Im overwhelming him. I just have this feeling of loathing towards myself. Like I make myself sick. I used to like myself but now, out of nowhere, I just hate anything and everything about myself. Physically and mentally and emotionally. I guess I just wanted someone to listen.