i take it all back. He's awesome.

i loved the idea of kicking him in the shins and staying. hahaha, awesome.

i went in and told him i hated him... and it went from there. i was all mad and bristley.. but he said he was really frustrated with me because i was constantly testing him and setting the bar higher. i told him my anger vanished when he said that... between my anger and his frustration we had the most incredible, productive session EVER.

he said he had thought about it all over the weekend.. and that moved me.

i don't think i have ever been so open to him before, and he was so genuine and sincere... he was so caring.. just real.

the whole thing confuses my view of the world you know?

he had said on the phone on thursday that he cared... but i couldn't deal with that.. i was so hurt and so angry with him. He had made a bad call, and he fully says so, but he's right, i don't know when he could have taken a different road. i think he was kind of stuck too... bad call? yeah, what was the other options? not many.

today though... he said he cared again... he said it a couple of times... and i sort of, kind of, want to, but not sure.. believe him. i am so conflicted. He is genuine, sincere and so damn caring and kind. Damn him. It is hard to believe no one *can* care if i accept that HE cares... %#@&#!.

so crappy doodle...

he cares... NOW what do i do? My brain does not know how to handle this.

i want to run away, hide, quake in fear. Makes me want to cry... almost did.

omg. he cares. he said he did.. he said what i feel matters to him and he talked about how he had thought about it over the weekend... you don't do that if you don't care right?

it was such a monumental session. i am shaken and i don't know how to process everything. So much said.. so much i already have forgotten. So overwhelming.

i have therapy high

and omg.. when i left i had to pee SO bad