Hmm. Yeah. My numb state - with occasional hypomanic episodes - lasted over one year and my ‘coping skill’ was adult selective mutism. The latter isn’t a ‘real’ DSM disorder (maybe it is now, or was then?) but I could not express my feelings, because I had none, and so I was quiet.

In all, I spent just over three years in a large mental hospital. I responded to ECT and began talking, and feeling, again. During the past (good god!) fourteen years I’ve had short periods of numbness but have largely been riding the highs and lows of mania and depression.

I have been cruising in a quasi-manic phase for over one year. I will have 2-3 symptoms for short periods of time but I spend myself into debt and I seek out partners for less-than-safe sex when my beloved partners are not available. Thank god for Craigslist.

The first two paragraphs certainly resonate: I do not think numbness is a simple problem with medications at all. I think that numbness, like my mutism, is a way of coping with the emotions that we fear the most. I feared that darkest energy of depression. By staying numb, and mute, I did not have to feel or process the grief that I was feeling. During my short manic episodes I also remained mute but I was clever enough to indulge in illicit sex with other girls and boys.

Horses. I grew up with horses - anywhere from 8 to 10 - that we showed and bred. And after I received my inheritance I had up to 12 (I had only 12 stalls). If I had my way, horses would be included in the category of domestic pets. I don’t think that I have ever felt as close to any one animal as I did to a gelding that I had for 11 years. A big and strong-muscled fellow with the temperament of a stallion; he had, as we used to say, ‘heart.’

I cannot imagine being depressed (as I believe you are) with two sick horses that need care.

Now, to close. I view numbness as a way of coping with depression, grief, &etc. It protects you. You have described it as a physical manifestation but do not make a convincing argument against internal numbness.

Numbness squashes all emotions, happy and sad. But I would posit that it is sadness - depression - that is the primary emotion that is squashed and happiness is secondarily quelled out of a skewed perception of that same depression: It is better not to feel at all rather than dealing with demons.

You only write specifically about ‘sad’ experiences, and only generally of being unable to physically express ‘happiness.’ Are you currently in therapy? On any medications? I believe that it might be time to try to feel, again, and come full face with your emotions.

My 2cents.