I feel totally stuck. I had a good day yesterday but largely depressed for 2 weeks after a one-day 'up' period. Then I crashed. Yesterday was better and today not. I barely slept, every so often I have terrible nitemares and last night was it. It sounds childish to have nitemares but when I do it's awful and I lose sleep. I slept a few hours daytime and I guess that's good but I've been very irritable today. Which is usually how my 'up' is, it's short, and then I crash to a bad depression for a couple days, it gets a little bit better then but I'm still depressed, sleep way too much, isolate, etc. It's like the cycling will never end and I'm so so frustrated by it. I feel like no one understands or even cares anymore. My friends are not my friends anymore. I'm being harsh some but I know for certain some of them make fun of me behind my back or do the 'it must be nice to not have a job' thing. It is shocking to me when I actually acknowledge it. Which today I've been focused on it. I am NOT a needy person or an attention seeker. I do not remember the last time anyone seriously asked me how I was doing, or gave even a small effort to support me. Not even my best friend who lives out of town. I poured my heart out awhile back to her and the response was "go to a support group or something". WTF. Did not even listen to me. I'm so sick of this bs. It is not fair to say how I would behave if the shoe was on the other foot, but of my group of friends I was pretty much the successful one. The one with a better job, more ambition, and very kind. If I was my friend I would make a point at least every few weeks to say "we are going to talk about things. Even if you don't want to. I want to help you and I see your struggling." Instead, nothing. Not once has anyone said, wow, this must be hard on you. You were one semester away from starting a NP program after being in school for 5 years straight, while working full time. And now your income is 20% of what it was, and that's only because of social security. Which I'm very grateful for don't get me wrong. I just don't understand it. The last time I went to a large group thing, I was 'quietly' made fun of by two people and another guy was downright rude and did everything but say the 'must be nice to not work' thing. I was not doing well and was just proud of myself for being out. I didn't even process some of this till weeks later, what they were doing. This is turning into a huge rant and I'm sorry. I just don't understand these people that were my friend "before" I got sick. My life has completely fell apart in 3 years. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't. Meds are awful and I want off. Yet I know I'll end up inpatient if I stop. I would probably be 'sick sick' within a few days. They have helped me sometimes after a distinct episode but I feel like it's torture to stay on them. I still cycle regardless. I did not get treatment for years, I knew something was wrong and I avoided it, and my cycles were not good but not enough were it was a full blown episode. That didn't happen till a few years ago, and I have not been the same cognitively emotionally, or anything-ly since. I just want to have some stability, not for 1-2 weeks, that's not stable. On one hand I've not had a severe episode in over a year, but it's like I'm constantly stuck in a mild to moderate one almost always. It is a challenge to barely take care of myself. Sometimes I think I should move in with my mom or dad, and that is incredibly embarrassing. I bought a house when I was 24 with no one's help. Not a penny. And now I can barely keep up with housework. My sleep is so up and down. 15 hours a day for a week or two, with no intention of it, it just happens. Then I start waking up at 4am and my brain is racing so hard it feels like it's going to explode, then, BAM, depression hits again, and any ambition I had is gone, because I can't physically or mentally complete anything. And I have no one to turn to. I lost my insurance, so I can't see a therapist anyone. And I think therapy can be a trap anyway sometimes. I will have insurance in January again and I will probably start going again. I have thought for years that if I exercised an hour a day things would get better but it is a challenge to string together even a few days in a row of walking. I used to run 4-5 miles, everyday, like seriously, daily. I was in phenomenal shape. I'm now edging on formal obesity. I am so frustrated. I will stop my rant. It's totally selfish to post something like this on here but if anyone has decent advice or even just to say 'I hear you' that will help me today. Thanks.