I didn't know where to put this since there isn't a childhood sexual behavior forum, but complex PTSD is one of my main struggles, and I think this is something that's been making it worse. I'm a girl. I've been feeling very guilty and thinking about this a lot lately. When I was a child (I can't remember exactly what age it started, but definitely before age 9) I remember having very sexual thoughts and frequently masturbating in the shower. I would lay down on the shower floor, put the shower head on the jet mode with it pointed between my legs (just in general- I didn’t know my anatomy very well yet), and turn the water as hot as I could stand it. I’d pretend I was being tied up and kidnapped or used as a slave. All my fantasies were violent. I don’t think I ever had a real orgasm until a few years later, I would just stop when my body got physically overwhelmed. When I was 9 or 10, I started putting Q-tips inside my vagina and clothespins or other clips on my very undeveloped, non-existent nipples. I also remember watching violent pornography and reading BDSM-fantasy books. Around the same time, my brother (who’s the same age as me) and I would occasionally engage in sexual experimentation where he would tie me up and we’d rub against each other (fully clothed). I can’t remember how many times it happened, maybe 2, maybe 200, or who initiated it (it was consensual, and I wanted to be tied up). All I know is we eventually stopped (The only thing that worries me is that once, when my brother was 14 or 15, I caught him tying my half-sister (5) to her bed and watching her escape, as a game. He didn’t touch her and she was into it, but it made me uneasy and I put a stop to it.). It worries me that can’t remember how I was first exposed to sexually violent behavior. My parents divorced when I was young and my father spent a lot of time partying, which my brother and I often got drug into when we went to visit him. My mom spent a lot of time educating us on what to do if a grown-up touches you inappropriately and how our bodies belong to us. I know she suspects some form of sexual abuse during my childhood, and says I always stuttered and sucked my thumb more for a few weeks after coming back from my dad’s, but I feel certain I would’ve told someone or I would remember something (I was a very smart and aware child, and I always knew when things weren’t quite right). I just know I'd remember. I just want to know why I would’ve behaved that way at such an early age, what is and isn’t normal, and what it might mean about me. Is there something wrong with me?