My dream last night saddened me immensely. I was dieing in a hospital and I heard one of the nurses say to another,
"We'll have his bed soon. I can't wait to see him go. He never even had one visitor in over a year he's been here. Maybe he'll finally get some comfort. I'm tired of looking at him."
After that, I'm feeling very alone this morning. I'm far too broken to ever consider being that big of a part of someone's life. Too many pieces and too far gone. I've decided to accept that I'm a nothing and just want to leave everyone alone.
I'm putting this on PC because I might not come back here and this way you know what's happened. I tried to talk to Mom about it because I'm both very down and accepting it and she told me I was acting crazy and outright accused me of not taking my meds. The emotional unavailability from childhood never ends.
I have both therapist and meds management appointments later today. If it doesn't go well there, I'll probably pack my stuff and disappear after.