Hi Marylin, it's a little while since you posted and not sure if you'll come back and read this but will leave you my thoughts.

I think our first loves always stay in our hearts a bit, I am in my 40s now and still remember a guy I had my first intense connection with when I was 17, that's nearly 30 years ago now. I ghosted him actually, not very mature of me (I had a lot of maturing and living to do), and we fell out of each others lives. My life moved on, marriage, now grown up family, but he has cropped up in my mind a few times.

Why does it stay with us? Well, I think it may be less to do with the person themselves but more to do with their part in our own growing up and what that meant to us. To you, as you felt rejected, maybe he represents that rejection and is tied in with your need for validation.

For me because I did the rejecting I needed to know he was happy - I googled him, he has a successful career, married, kids - of course I don't know the full details of his life but I like to think he is very happy. It was kind of a closure for me, like you I don't want or seek contact but I think I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for his memory.