I definitely understand the mechanism you describe bc you describe it really well. It is almost like dissociation away from hurt feelings, and the price of being numb to them is that they have the alchemy of turning into anger against yourself.

That is a very lucid thought, and I would think a specialist would understand.

Therapy is fraught with peril because it happens in a filed between two people's nervous systems. It isn't just the therapist regulating the client , bc sometimes the therapist goes blind to their own countertransference or gets sucked into an enactment, and then the patient dysregulates the therapist. It sounds liked your T screwed up. Or maybe she has a weakness she hasn't resolved yet in dealing with anger that is about her and her past, and not about you her client going to her for help. But you have practice turning things against yourself.

Some T's don't like to treat trauma and dissociative disorders bc they don't have the solid ground under their feet to stop the undertow created by a patient's stuff from pulling both under water. It is supposed to be the T who keeps both above water. I believe things can go right with a great therapist- the statistic is crazy - intense like 20 percentt of the trauma t's have 80 percent of the good outcomes.

That is a long way of saying it sounds like your T let you down hugely, and now you are suffering from her inadequacy . I still believe you can find that right T who will help you though.

I have loved listening to therapist's podcasts like Between Us - episode 14 Courageous Speech and The Trauma Therapist. You get a window into what goes on behind the curtain- who is Oz and who isn't.