It doesn't seem that unusual or uncommon to me as a defense mechanism? As a small child - you HAVE to do something when you're overwhelmed, right? In a perfect world, your parents would help you regulate, would listen to you, soothe you, etc. But, when your parents miss the boat - you're left alone with intolerable feelings and have to work out something on your own. Splitting those feelings off so that you can just not feel them (if I'm understanding you correctly) seems like a good solution that allows you to function and make a better life for yourself (as opposed to numbing your feelings with drugs, for example).

What you've described with your last therapist makes me incredibly sad, and I think it's also not uncommon. For me, I feel like that's part of how I need to "use" the relationship - I need to examine what's going on between me and my therapist, how we're interacting, what's upsetting me, what I'm causing them to feel - and that THAT's really part of what good therapy needs to include.

Yet - most of my therapists have seemed reluctant to do that and very uncomfortable. It's like having those conversations, bringing them into the therapeutic spotlight (by looking at their reactions, their words, their actions) is too scary/hard for them - they're more comfortable when it's just focused on me. Even those this focus on them is a roundabout way to help me understand myself.

My last therapist told me that talking about our relationship was too "meta" - he wanted me to focus on discussing things outside of the therapy room. Even though the things inside the therapy room were more distressing to me, in the moment, and actually should have been easier for him, since he could actually witness what was going on (rather than trying to guess about interactions outside of the room).

I don't know the answer. I liked that my last therapist, despite his "meta" comments, had a very strong sense of self - he projected stability, like a rock. I haven't felt that from other therapists. I think that's necessary for them to be able to do what we're talking about - stand still and let you have your negative emotions, without letting their own emotions get in the way, being defensive, or shutting you down. It's hard... but it's something a good T *should* be able to do (but most can't, in my experience!)

I wonder often if a psychoanalytic T would be better in this regard... it seems like they're trained (re: transference) to use the relationship in this way, without getting hurt/defensive. I don't know, as I've never had the chance to meet with one...

(Sorry if I missed the point of your post. I feel like I might have, but wanted to respond, because I do think that therapists should and need to do better in this area. Every time a therapist does what your last one did, ends the relationship because they can't handle your affect - it sends such a negative message, in my mind, and makes it that much harder to move forward with the actual healing. It feels very... unethical, I think? to me.)