Quote:
Originally Posted by SorryShaped
My dream last night saddened me immensely. I was dieing in a hospital and I heard one of the nurses say to another,
"We'll have his bed soon. I can't wait to see him go. He never even had one visitor in over a year he's been here. Maybe he'll finally get some comfort. I'm tired of looking at him."
After that, I'm feeling very alone this morning. I'm far too broken to ever consider being that big of a part of someone's life. Too many pieces and too far gone. I've decided to accept that I'm a nothing and just want to leave everyone alone.
I'm putting this on PC because I might not come back here and this way you know what's happened. I tried to talk to Mom about it because I'm both very down and accepting it and she told me I was acting crazy and outright accused me of not taking my meds. The emotional unavailability from childhood never ends.
I have both therapist and meds management appointments later today. If it doesn't go well there, I'll probably pack my stuff and disappear after.
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I sometimes think of the day that my husband is no longer with me. We don't plan on having children so I imagine myself all alone, to die alone. It's a frightening thing to imagine. When you're feeling down sometimes you imagine the worst case scenario (in your case dream of it). You just have to remember to be in the now. Right now you do have people that love you ad would miss you dearly, all of your friends on here care about you. You're mother, although she may not understand that her words aren't said in a helpful way, loves you or else she wouldn't want you to be healthy (taking meds is a healthy decision). She may not understand at all but what she's telling you is, "I want you not to be in pain, I've seen medication makes you feel better, please get help I want you to not feel so bad". It seems though that she is experiencing a strong emotion of fear that she will lose you or that you are dearly suffering, that comes out as hurtful words sometimes which I believe is what may be happening. Some people are terrible at expressing concern, a flaw that can be painful to those on the other end.
Don't leave though, don't pack up and disappear. You are needed, loved, and dearly cared about. You are stronger than you know and you can do this. You are not alone, even when it feels like it. This will end and you will feel better, just hang in there. Take it one day at a time and one baby step to the next and before you know it life will look different, promise.
