I am in the thick of what feels like intense transference and I feel like I have no one to talk to who understands. My T says in his experience it gets better. I feel like I am the exception to the rule.

I was up til early hours of the morning trying to process extreme hate and rage. I resent how much I love this person. The way they can just come into my life and have so much power over me. They envade my mind, my heart and my life. I feel like a prisoner.

Part of me wants to protect myself. Part of me thinks I need to just keep going through this. I have talked about it endlessly with my t. Wrote lots of letters pouring out my feelings. Nothing helps. I keep feeling like I am drawn into this fake personal relationship then suddenly time is up and you realise just what this is. A business arrangement.

I cant process my hate and rage. My resentment of feeling so much and feeling like I am not seen. I am not heard. My love is not even appreciated. Just like it never was as a kid

I am jealous and insecure. Feel defective and therapy makes it worse. I feel like nothing.

My attachment feels ambivilant. I live in a childlike world of fear of abandonment.

Nothing helps. I want to lash out but I cant. Say **** you. Im gone. But I am so weak and needy I cant do it. I feel like my T has a magic flute and he makes me dance. I want to take the flute and shove it up his ***.

I feel so alone