I'm 5 weeks pregnant with a man who I'm not sure is the man of my dreams...I love him but he spends too much time getting drunk and smoking cigarettes instead of working. Since I've been with him I don't have a job anymore since he won't let me work in a bar. I've lost all my friends since he gets mad if I go out with them. He also treats me like a child.. He's 39 and I'm 24 we've been together for 2 years.. he at least goes outside to smoke now..

Anyway, since I've became pregnant..I have grown to be extremely depressed and moody. At times I want to commit suicide..I hate waking up in the morning and all day feels like a nightmare to me.

I'm not sure if this is normal because I'm pregnant or if I'm genuinely not ready for a child..

I can't stop thinking about getting an abortion... I would be so much happier but at the same time I'm worried that I will feel like a murderer. (Also, I'm not religious)

I feel like I'm an a extremely tough place...

For the past 8 years, I've done nothing but pop pills and drink alcohol. I also smoked marijuana the whole time.

Somehow I had a feeling I was pregnant before I even missed my period and tested positive so I've been completely sober since. (I've also been sober from pills for the past 2-3 months)

Anyway I feel like I'm losing my mind and I don't know what to do....

I'm worried that my mental state will harm the baby
(Since, I have no desire to eat healthy or exercise)

Has any other woman been in this situation?

I know I'm kind of all over the place on this post.. I do apologize for that.