For most of my life that I can remember I didn’t feel “hurt feelings”. I knew that hurting other people’s feelings was “bad” and hence “I”, or my nervous system, shut down what would have been the response systems – defending myself or retaliating, for instance. I just didn’t “feel” those feelings and didn’t act out, even as a child very much. My feelings just didn’t get “hurt” – except that the anger/aggression that was generated internally by those cut-off, unconscious response systems “I”, or my nervous system, redirected at myself. I didn’t really have a lot of choice about that severe self-hate problem. I understand that some of you may not understand or agree that it is possible that someone doesn’t have a lot of “choice” but arguing with me about how I learned to process things and adapt to my early life is really sort of, well,. . .I think I will take my own counsel about that. I tried taking therapists and “counselors” opinions for years and years and years without much success.

I understand about those of you for whom this may not make sense, and who therefore may feel a response impulse to argue with me. I understand that it may be difficult to impossible for you to believe that anybody could be like this because it’s so different from the way you are, perhaps. Most therapists have not understood it. But am I really so entirely all by myself, or does this make sense to anybody else?

I believed, and still believe, that allowing those reponse-systems "on" sometimes was the only way to learn about them, to learn "who they are", and what they have to tell me about (possibly unsafe) people in my environment.

I told my last therapist that I didn't feel that one of my "parts" was welcome in her consulting room. When she reacted to my partially subdued "lashing out" responses, I told her to put on a haz-mat suit. I had the ability NOT to lash out by keeping that part of me "off" when I was in the therapy room, but what was the point of that? With a trauma and dissociation specialist?

We terminated the therapy almost a year and a half ago because she "didn't have the emotional resources" to continue treating me and "we were stuck". This kind of does mimic what happened in my family, and I am accepting some (still near unbearable) lost hopeless feelings. There may be others i don't know about yet.

The real deal problem for me at the moment is that I long ago felt -- and still feel - so all alone. So, can anybody here on PC understand this situation as I have described it? Or, if you have experienced anything similar, I would be interested in hearing about it. And how you moved forward, if you have.