Thx for the replies. Its not as much as a guilt thing as it is me just wondering if its possible or not. I realize that the past is the past and I cant change what I did and I should concentrate on now. There are a lot of things that I did that could have possibly caused it like weed, other drugs, longterm depression, extreme stress and not being able to handle it, the feelings to want to get away and be in a different world, times of isolation. But most of that was caused by a mental illness or some other illness to start out with so i cant just blame it on those things. I know weed has been linked to it, so I at least know it couldnt have helped but it did help me with depression and anxiety for a short amount of time.

Id be willing to go in treatment again but Im pretty sure I would never take medication again. Its good if some of you take medication and it helps but I didnt like it and most have too many side effects.