I'm alone a lot, anymore. I don't know when that started or if I was the one who put this way of life into motion. I quit taking all my meds around a month ago. I didn't tell my doctors that, though. I have a lot of meds, too many meds.

It's not like I don't have friends. I do and they're great. I also have a fiance who's the love of my life, regardless of how much we've started arguing. I have my mom who'd be here for me if I asked, but she deals with so many of her own inner demons, I just can't bring myself to add onto her pain. That's basically how I feel about all of them. I shouldn't bring them down.

So, I stay silent. I sit alone in this living room, staring at all of these pills, with a bottle right next to them. My phone is here, in my hand, but I don't call anyone. Asking for help is pointless. Help never comes. The only thing that shows up are badges that take you to some place you don't want to be. Take you to a place where you're just a walking case study and leave as a diagnosis.

How is this a way to live? How is this okay? These voices that tell me they'll hurt me, why don't they just ****ing do it? Why can't they end me? Why did I survive that day? Why did he stop? Why didn't he end me? He already killed so much of me, why didn't he finish the job?

WHY?!