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Old Dec 05, 2017, 08:46 PM
RaineD RaineD is offline
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Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 950
Quote:
Originally Posted by estellanomore View Post
I am in the thick of what feels like intense transference and I feel like I have no one to talk to who understands. My T says in his experience it gets better. I feel like I am the exception to the rule.

I was up til early hours of the morning trying to process extreme hate and rage. I resent how much I love this person. The way they can just come into my life and have so much power over me. They envade my mind, my heart and my life. I feel like a prisoner.

Part of me wants to protect myself. Part of me thinks I need to just keep going through this. I have talked about it endlessly with my t. Wrote lots of letters pouring out my feelings. Nothing helps. I keep feeling like I am drawn into this fake personal relationship then suddenly time is up and you realise just what this is. A business arrangement.

I cant process my hate and rage. My resentment of feeling so much and feeling like I am not seen. I am not heard. My love is not even appreciated. Just like it never was as a kid

I am jealous and insecure. Feel defective and therapy makes it worse. I feel like nothing.

My attachment feels ambivilant. I live in a childlike world of fear of abandonment.

Nothing helps. I want to lash out but I cant. Say **** you. Im gone. But I am so weak and needy I cant do it. I feel like my T has a magic flute and he makes me dance. I want to take the flute and shove it up his ***.

I feel so alone

I feel the same way about my therapist. I feel like he's holding me hostage emotionally. Sometimes I want to throw something at him and leave, but I know I'll never be able to do it.

Sometimes I have these dreams in which he terminates me, and I wake up feeling such intense anger and pain that it's crazy. I've never felt such intense emotions upon waking up from a dream.

I don't have good advice for you. Just wanted to let you know I understand how you feel.
Hugs from:
Anonymous50001, SalingerEsme, Searching4meaning
Thanks for this!
Anonymous45127, Searching4meaning