I think I can add this, without it being triggering. If you are triggered by reading about memory recall and the experience, please take care.

****TRIGGER WARNING****

As I said, I have experienced the somatic body memory, I know, one of the two times that I am questioning now, “What the heck just happened?”

Two weeks ago, I was talking with my counselor about the dysfunction between my mom and myself. I was feeling a little out there and not 100% all me.

He made a suggestion of recording my mom’s voice and using it for CBT desensitizaion.
I was sitting in a chair and after he said that, the floor started looking weird and too far away.

Then, I noticed the top of my head had a low current electrical feeling going through it. I don’t know any other way to describe it then quiet electricity.

I told him about it and he asked me to see what I got from it. I felt/saw/knew that it was like someone had “popped” me on top of the head. It was like a corrective pop on the top of my head. A swat.

We talked about that as I was sitting, cross legged on the floor, I noticed that my legs were vibrating with the same quiet electricity feeling that I felt in my head earlier.

I shared it with my counselor and he helped me ground and relax and it stopped.

It startled and scared me, because of an experience I had had last September. I shared it here then too.

Meeting with my counselor, I was feeling tense and anxious, and couldn’t put a word to the emotion that I was feeling. We talked about it and I realized that I was angry.

I remember that, things get fragmented, then I remember a vibrating feeling in my sternum (like the quiet electricity) and I told him what I was feeling. That time it was stronger and I couldn’t think. I felt very confused and couldn’t put words to my thoughts.

He got a piece of paper and asked me to write what I was feeling. I was still confused and the vibration moved from my sternum to my hand. The pen would hold still. He asked me to write a word and I wrote “Shaky”.

After that, I became a passenger and sat and watched, through my eyes, a hand that didn’t look like mine scribble back and forth a picture of a very young little girl. I had no control over it and there was no way to stop it. When the picture was finished, I dropped the pen on the floor.

I don’t really remember what we talked about after that happened or any of the rest of the evening.

I guess my questions are,

“Was that a somatic implicit memory, or was that another part of me that stepped in?”

“What would have happened this past time if I had leaned into it, instead of backing away from it?” That makes me feel very vulnerable.

I think the swat/pop on my head was a SI memory, but I’m not sure about the picture being drawn, or the vibration in my legs this past time.

Maybe it’s two different things working together?

It’s really scary to think about leaning into something that takes you over. It feels like purposefully jumping into a black hole.

I wish I could explain the feeling of the vibration better. It’s like it comes from the very inside of my bones.

I frequently experience my fingers and feet having that feeling in a much milder form. They usually do that when I meet with my counselor and the intensity of it depends (I believe) on what I have been journaling about the week before, and what I want to talk about.

It would feel so good to know someone else has had experiences like this.

It would also feel good to sort out what “that” is.

Thanks for hearing me.

I would value any input or shared experiences.