A question was raised in another forum about what some of us were doing here, and although I responded with a rather heavy answer, this question has stuck in my mind since.

What exactly am I doing here, especially if I cannot see myself getting better on a consistent basis? I know we sometimes take one step forward and two back, but overall, if the amount of steps taken never equal to forward movement, then I must consider of what benefit is it for me to be here?

So far, all I have proven to myself is, just as IRL, I still cannot communicate well and I cannot make myself understood!

When I try to be straight forward, I sound "tactless." When I try "seasoning" my words, I sound patronizing. When I use colloquialisms, I am accused of meaning it in a mocking way, or of just plain being rude.

When I offer up an opinion, I “miss the point” because I am not able to interpret what has NOT been said (and only what has). When I offer up further explanations as to what I am trying to say, it is taken as wanting to start an argument.

When I don’t respond to others’ posts (mainly because I find so many posts triggering, or I have no experience to draw on to give an opinion or advice), there is a sense that I am not participating enough.

If I look for answers only for myself, it is construed as being selfish and parasitic.

I guess what I am trying to say is, just like IRL, I feel I am asking too much when I look for understanding, comfort and answers to my problems.

So:

If you find this post overly dramatic, it is because I have strong histrionic tendencies.

If you find this post to be quite self-centered, it is because I have strong narcissistic tendencies.

If you find this post to be extreme, it is because I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

And, if you think I am feeling sorry for myself, it is because I am!!! I feel sorry for myself for what I am having to deal with JUST AS MUCH as I feel sorry for ALL OF YOU who are in as much (or more) pain than I.

And, well, if you don’t care at all about what I am saying here, that’s ok, because you are probably better off not to.

Not everyone is accepted here. I don't think I am one of them. If I cannot be accepted for who I am, then really, what AM I DOING HERE?