During session, I started feeling oddly, like I was connected with T up to a point and then was disconnected. It was uncomfortable and it felt like a tornado of emotions. I haven't texted T in a long time because I haven't felt like I needed to do so. But this feels so painful and worrisome.

When I said something negative about something regarding work, I asked T why I felt this way. T told me that there are certain personality traits that basically make a person see things in a negative light. (or something like this). stupidly, I then asked what it was called, and he said neurotocism. I told T I didn't see myself as negative, and when I think of what other people at work mostly see I don't think they think this either. But they really don't know the real me. T does. He told me that I was born like this. I felt invalidated, like because I had a negative opinion of that one thing, I don't understand why I can't just be me, like why isn't my opinion valid? I feel like a math equation that has been reduced to nothing, zero.

I now want so badly to change my point of view about this thing. So I now have to pretend to be positive about this so people don't see who I really am. I don't want anyone to know me. I guess I took what T said in a negative light and am proving him right.

I feel like I have no idea what is going on with me and it has just decimated me lately. I don't know if a part of me is trying to distance myself from T. I don't know if a part of me is angry at him or not. I don't know anything and it is driving me crazy because I don't know how to articulate all of this. I wish I could just explode to relieve all of the pressure I feel. I feel damaged. I feel better. Both are true. I feel better at work, And I feel like I will always have to hide the true me.

I don't know the difference between what my opinion is, and what is a product of my negativity/BPD issues etc. I think I am nonhuman.

I agree with my T, am angry at myself for pushing him to tell me the label, am angry at T for introducing this concept, am angry at me, am angry that my opinion is being invalidated, angry at myself for feeling that way, happy that my humor is returning, sad that i have to feel this way, sad that I feel so confused, sad that i feel like a horrible person. Happy that work is better. Afraid of getting better and having to leave T. Happy that T reassured me that he was here as long as I needed him (or something close to this).
I am thankful for my T. I am confused because I want to text T to try and see if he can relieve this pain, but am afraid to text him because what if he can't reassure me, what if I am unreassurable.?? I don't feel that vulnerable child ego state. I just feel the need for relief from whatever it is that is bothering me????