Physically and mentally draining session today. R arrived with a cough/cold combination of her own, which made me feel a bit better about keeping the appointment.
“Morning Lost, how are you?”
“Powered by Lemsip today!”
“I did mean in relation to your cold…I’ve woken up with a bit of a cough. The kids bring it home from school.”

“Where I want to start today is a bit different than usual. I want to explain that.’ [pointing to picture on table]
‘I had noticed that around the time your Mum’s friend passed away, so I made an assumption, but wanted to wait for you to bring it up.’
‘The long and short of it is, that’s Chris.’
‘OK.’
‘The reason why I haven’t brought it up before now is because I was trying to work out why I needed it, for me.’
‘OK.’
‘I think it is an extra safety thing for me. In the beginning, we worked very hard on establishing boundaries and a sense of safety between us. Then I felt I needed something more.
“What you have done there is provided a summary of our relationship, and you brought something else in without telling me, which is perfectly OK. Can you help me understand – does it feel like with Chris…Chris’ picture there, she is helping you and giving you extra support?’
‘It makes it easier to talk about some of the more difficult aspects, but in some ways it makes it harder, and that’s that.’
‘Thank you for sharing that with me. I sense that it was hard for you to do so.’

I didn’t know what to say to that, so moved swiftly on. ‘The postscript to the anxiety attack situation.’
‘We rehearsed that conversation a bit last session…I wondered how you would get on with that.’
‘That’s why I didn’t want to leave it another week. I have been thinking about how I deal with medical stuff in comparison to the rest of the people in my circle…I feel like I should be able to deal with it.’
‘You ‘feel like you should be able to deal with it’. You feel like you’re different, in a negative way…but what I hear is an acceptance. ‘I can’t deal with that, and that’s OK.’’
‘I explained a bit more to my pottery tutor because I felt she deserved a bit more of an explanation.’
‘You felt she deserved a bit more of an explanation? How much did you say?’
‘It wasn’t in any great depth, so I just explained a little…and she responded with ‘You shouldn’t have opened the emails.’’
‘My heart sank when you said that.’
‘You shouldn’t have opened the emails. You should have got someone else to open them and delete them.’
‘I almost got a bit cross then ‘What are you thinking?’ That’s a really unhelpful response for where you are now. What would have been the response you were hoping for?’
‘The most useful responses I have received from people who aren’t able to engage with it have been ‘I’m sorry that happened to you.’ It doesn’t feel sufficient, and you want to say and do more…but for me, it’s enough.’
‘For you, it would have been enough. What was your aim in telling her?’
‘I wanted to help her understand.’
‘What leaps out at me there, and it’s not a criticism, is that you put her needs before your own.’
‘The emails exist…existed anyway. Not opening them would have left me in a Schrödinger’s cat type situation…’Yes’ where I wouldn’t know either way. Where most people’s response would have been ‘**** off,’ I allowed it to continue.’
‘It’s not my place to save you, but I can see you thinking ‘Oh, no…I’m doing what I did then.’ There is a clear difference. You weren’t in possession of all the facts then.’
‘I’m not sure there is a right state of mind to deal with that in, but I wasn’t in it. Back when I believed it was all happening….I hate making comparisons because it feels disrespectful.’
‘Throughout our sessions it is very clear to me that this [Chris’ death] is over here and sacred, and the other experience…You know I understand the difference.’
‘It didn’t happen like this because there was one reliable person who kept us informed when….When it became apparent that Chris was not going to live.’
‘I’m sorry Lost, but I have to reflect this back to you…what was that? You seem to have trouble when you are talking about people passing. You thought because of the distance and the fact that you were reliant on other people for information…’
‘There might come a point where I just wouldn’t hear from her again. And then, on the 22nd of January 2011, when I got the final email that Kim had died, I shut down. I didn’t have space to deal with it, and now it’s punctuated with…We both know what it’s punctuated with. Short of spending the time I am supposed to be asleep ‘I am safe, I am safe, I am safe…’ I don’t know what to do.’
‘What you are saying sounds pretty hopeless, and you sound exhausted, but your self-awareness has grown massively and you have the skills to do that self reflection on your own…’
‘I think it is a case of realising: yes, I am scared, but I am not alone.’ I desperately wanted to meet her gaze at that point, but for whatever reason, I didn’t.
‘There is no freedom in realising it was all fabricated.’
‘It seems as though that has just mixed up your emotions all the more, and there’s no ‘Phew!’
Intense session, culmination thereof that I get scared and run away…next week, I hope I won’t.