Quote:
Originally Posted by TRNRMOM
i've been married a 2nd time for 32 years; for me, i would never allow my husband to mock me or call me names, under any circumstances, nor would i even think about calling him names, etc. i'm guessing you've had it with his `comments' which you have probably allowed over time and i sense you no longer are willing to accept the comments. hubby and i have had a lot of counseling over the years (mainly about step-kids years ago) but in therapy we did learn how to communicate without hitting below the belt; maybe a session with a therapist might work, but regardless, we learned to keep our feelings in the `i' statement, i.e., `when you say i'm a piece of work' those statements make me feel unworthy and they really hurt me and i am asking that you not dismiss my feelings or mock me with facial expressions'....and i would keep hammering at him each time he mocks you by telling him how hurtful his statements/behavior are.....of course he'll respond that he was joking, and i would then explain that his jokes don't feel very good and they feel dismissive and hurtful. good luck.
|
Thank you very much for your reply TRNRMOM. I have been both unwell & very busy and couldn't reply here before now. But I did manage to see your reply hours ago and have been thinking deeply about what you said.
I agree that I should in future work hard to use "I" statements. I will have to do it carefully or he may take information from them to hurt me later. Sometimes his goal seems to be to hurt me. I'll be thinking about how to do that.
I'm glad your counselling helped. We have had it on a number of different occasions & I did learn important things. Unfortunately my husband didn't seem to learn and also he didn't engage in the sessions at a personal level and used the opportunity to blame me. Also he was very angry afterwards when I think I was just sharing how things were for me; he said things like "You couldn't wait to sink the boot in." One counsellor refused to see my husband again and we found two had cancelled on us when we turned up & this made my husband very angry & he wouldn't try counselling again after it happened a second time. I found that the exercises that were set to talk to each other at home were very scary because of how angry my husband got with me.
After your reply, I have resolved to review good communication methods and to try my best to master them and to ensure that I am living true to them.