After seeing my psychiatrist I realize I trust her more than my therapist. I started seeing them the same time but have obviously seen my therapist and talked with her more since our sessions are weekly and some times we met twice a week. Both were referred by my previous psych before she moved. I saw her for a year, and was the first psych I trusted when it comes to meds. I think I trusted her mostly because she looked like Miss Honey from Matilda haha, well at first. But she also had a very similar personality. I went to her for ADHD med management, but didn't want therapy and was cautious of stimulants because of stigmas. After a year she suggested going to therapy because of my depression, and the practice has multiple a few psychiatrist, therapist, and such that cover different types of therapy and have different specialties. The first didn't work out to well, she went diving straight into my traumatic events. So she suggested another with the office and gave info of others in the area.

So thats some of the background. I've been seeing them both for about 4 and half months. I've brought up my the topic of my connection with my therapist maybe 2 months ago. She became a little more casual and relaxed after that session. But I think my comfort in talking with her is more just getting used to talking to someone. I don't dislike her, and she's nice. And maybe it's just in my head, but there is a barrier there and I think maybe hers. But it's one she's suppose to have as a therapist. She'll say that something I've done or said has her worried, but it brings no real reaction from me. After the first time she expressed concern, she even asked how it made me feel and I admitted I didn't really care about her concern. Not in the way I would if a friend did, after I realized not even in the way I would care if other another doctor said they were concerned. In general I do like her, though lately her body language confuses me. It goes hand and hand with girls being flirty. Her biting her lip, doesn't look anything like when my psych does it which usually looks like she's in thought or processing something as I'm saying it. While my therapist will smile while doing it and I feel more watched than listened too if that makes since. It doesn't distracted me during sessions though just something I realize when reflecting and where my mind puts the visual lol. Like I look back and think of my psych hands in her hair, or biting her lips and I get that she was in thought or processing. I think back to my therapist, and it seems flirty...to a point I thought I was developing a crush or transference. But it's not comparable to any crush I've had before. It doesn't feel half as strong, and in her presence I don't feel anything. But then thinking back on a session, the way she was looking at me will fill me with a similar feeling of when I've been at a bar talking to a girl. I mean she's attractive, but not my type. I'd consider my psych closer to my type, but don't feel like a crush is developing nor romantic attraction. But I do feel like I admire her in a way that I admire confident professional women.

Maybe it's because I can read my psych a bit better and I realized a lot of my comfort with someone depends on their comfort and openess with me. It's not something I'm aware of in the moment. It's like I can sense that my therapist is holding back thoughts or things she want to say, which I guess she's supposed to do. But I can tell too easily. For my psych appts she'll ask about the medications and goes on to see how my relationships and other parts in my life. But I never feel like she's holding a question or comment back, though I'm sure she is, and also it seems like less pressure though with my therapist the pressure to talk is more from me pushing myself to talk to her vs her pushing or trying to pull anything out of me. Also I feel like I have a good sense of my psychs personality and it seems genuine, even if it isn't. Where as my therapist, I feel like is harder to pin. And I guess the major thing is that I don't really know more about one than I do the other when it comes to their personal lives and stuff. Anyways, my psych did mention that if my therapist was taking time off and I felt the need to come in that I could see her(she's trained in certain therapy) But now I wonder what it'd be like to only see her. My therapist is trained when it comes to LGBT issues though, but I wouldn't say I have major issues with my sexuality nor gender.