Firstly to say I'm not depressed or anything I just feel very confused and disoriented. I'm not even sure why I write this. It's just I don't know what to do. I am a 22 years old university student (second year) and on the paper doing okay. Mostly I just hate myself. I hate how lazy I am. I hate how bad I am at everything. I hate how little I have accomplished so far. And I hate how I never finish anything I start doing. I usually get straight As from exams but to me that's not good enough. I always know there were details I didn't study but they just weren't asked in the exam so I feel the grade wasn't deserved.

Last year I worked part-time beside studies doing night shift but I quit the job this year because I felt it affected my studying performance. So I've been living on savings from summer job this semester and I'm still doing financially ok. But still I can't help feeling disgusted not working at all. I'm not even sure if I'm interested in the field I'm studying. All in all I feel absolutely worthless being so unproductive.

I just don't know what should I do. I've started to think it would be just easier to die. I have planned how to do it and it would be quite easy because I have easy access to toxic substances in school. Only thing keeping from me doing it is that I don't want let down my mother. On the other hand I don't see any future in me I have no potential to become anything. I guess I should get help but I can't afford it and I would prefer dying than confessing someone not being able handle my life.