((((( freewill and pup ))))))
It's hard to wrap around saying goodbye to a long time member of your family. Wouldn't you say you are in a grieving process my friend? It is very normal and also difficult to go through. Can cause great distress and confusion.
It sometimes takes a long time to come to these kinds of decisions. It is never easy to do what sometimes needs to be done for all considered.
I'm sorry you are feeling so out of sorts my friend. Know that I'm sending you love and hugs.

sabby